1 Crazy Journey

Our Adoption, Our Journey, Part 4 -Revealing His Heart

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:22:00 +0000

I’ve gotten to talk to people along the way that are considering adoption. I’ve always told them…”don’t worry. God will pursue you relentlessly”. For me, that is exactly what began to happen next. It seemed no matter where I turned, I heard or read something on adoption.

It was November of 2006. Focus on the Family was airing week long programming on adoption. Three years later, I can’t remember what the program specifically said, but I felt God screaming at me through the speaker’s words. For the 2nd time in a few days, I strongly felt God’s presence. The words were so heavy that I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I unswervingly knew that He was speaking directly to ME about what we needed to do. I do not exaggerate that tears were streaming down my face.

For the first time, it was clearly revealed to me where God’s heart was regarding adoption. And for the first time, I realized that it was not to be a step of personal desire, but a step of obedience. And that is where my passion for adoption began. It became about more than families wanting children. It became about fulfilling the will of God through adoption.

I fervently believe that God opens our eyes to “issues” within His timing. That day was the day that I could NEVER look at this world the same. I never knew the extent of the orphan crisis and my heart broke . The overabundance of blessings that I had within my own life, began to spiral around me . Previously, God had spoken that it was not just “about me”. That concept was being unveiled on a physical level that I could not ignore.

I do realize that I am leaving out another key player in this whole journey. That would be my husband. I believe that God does not call one spouse to adopt and not another. However, I do believe He speaks to us at different times. Sometimes it is months apart and sometimes it is years.

The day that I heard that broadcast and KNEW that we were to adopt, I called the Rockstar Nurse at work. Somehow the whole “next child” thing came up on the phone. Which in itself is odd now that I write about it because we never have intense conversations when He is at work.

Regardless, I remember our conversation.

The Rockstar Nurse claimed, “you know, I have been thinking about this whole adoption thing. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am about at a 1.”

“Hmm. That is kind of funny” I said, “ because I am at a 10.”

Normally, I would be defeated over such a conversation, but I KNEW that God had spoken to me. So I KNEW that God would be getting around to him later:)

We talked that night. I had no ambition to convince my husband. I adamantly believe that there should be no “convincing” of a spouse when it comes to adding a child to the family. Obviously, the Rockstar Nurse asked me where my “10” came from on the adoption scale. I shared with him what I learned that day. I became very emotional (not typical for me with such discussions). I do believe that was the 1st stage in God speaking to him. I think he was a little rocked by my authentic passion.

Over the next few weeks, we talked about adoption sporadically. There were no “convincing” games going on. We simply just talked and shared our feelings. I did make a CD with the adoption programs that I had heard. Specifically it was two with Steven Curtis Chapman sharing “his” story. I sat it on the seat of my husband’s SUV and just asked that he would listen to them.

However, I never asked if he listened .

Looking back, it is amazing to me the place where I held my faith. Faith without prodding. I think I need to learn a lesson from myself.

1 year ago….

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:18:00 +0000

It’s hard to believe that exactly 1 year ago, on Thanksgiving eve, we received an update on our daughter still in China.

Wow!!! How a year can change things. Amazing. Absolutely amazing!

How can this be the same little girl that is running around right now squealing with joy over the new Christmas decorations???!!!

We are blessed. Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone!!

Our Adoption, Our Journey. Part 3- Unmasking a heart.

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:55:00 +0000

The minute I began to “research” adoption, I became consumed. OK. Not consumed, obsessed. It’s sort of like when a couple decides to “start trying” to become pregnant. It doesn’t matter how laid back you intended to be, your nonchalant”ness” quickly turns to wondering about it every ~~hour~~ day.

And so, I made phone call after phone call to agencies. I read books. I surfed the web. I approached strangers in Target who appeared to be an adoptive family:) I’m sort of a knowledge nut. I don’t retain much, but I love to inquire:)

As time went on, I was becoming very inspired. However, no matter my level of excitement, I was very waivering. I was waivering on whether or not I really wanted four children. I was also like a seesaw in regards to having a biological child versus adopting. As a woman, I started to grieve that I would not have any more biological children. It was not the same intense grieving as when it is not in your control, however there was still a sadness.

I became consumed with my indecision. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I wanted. I would rock my baby at night and want another baby. I would read a book on adoption and want to adopt. I started to spin myself in so many circles that I was dizzy.

I now know the source of my confusion and my frustration. I had spent so much consumed time thinking about me. Everything was about what I wanted. I was trying to decide monumental decisions with logic. With a pro’s and con’s list. When the fact is I had no idea what I wanted and I belittled the idea of what GOD wanted for me. For us. For our family.

I will NEVER forget where I was at when HE did speak. I was sitting on the couch. I can remember which cushion I was sitting on. I can remember the way the sunlight filtered across our living room floor. I can remember the way I was sitting.

The reason that I will never forget is because it is probably the loudest and clearest that I have ever heard His voice. I was doing a devotion and praying. I remember praying about this cyclical indecisions I was having about wanting more children. I remember praying, “God….I just don’t know what I want.”

And His response, “It’s not all about you.”

That simple. That clear. That powerful. That life changing.

I was rocked off my feet. It was undeniably God speaking to my "me" centered heart. My mind began spinning as I tried to grasp about what this actually meant.

“It wasn’t just about me! “ Wow. Huh. Imagine that. The concept that I worked tirelessly to engrain in my kids was actually hitting me like I’d never heard it before.

And so my elementary revelation was just the first step in His revealing His heart and His passion to me. It wasn’t just about me. It was about a child because after all, I am not the only one in God's plans.

And that simple fact changed the course of my life forever.

Intteruption....

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:12:00 +0000

We interupt this adoption story for a special infomercial:)

I have a real life friend, Amy, that in some ways is more of an I-friend because it's very hard to make our schedules match!

Amy's daughter Hope came home from Wuxi, China a year before Sparkles did. You may remember that Hope, Susu and Sparkles all grew up together in China in Wuxi. They all 3 now live within an hour of each other! How amazing is that?!

Amy and her hubby went back to China again this year to bring home their gorgeous guy Sam. They now have 6 beautiful kiddos.

Amy is passionate about orphans and adoption! She is having a fundraiser for the Starfish Foundation (a non profit organization in China).

This is ALL you need to do. Just go visit this post and comment. That's it. JUST COMMENT! She will be donating a $1 for every comment she recieves to this awesome foundation!!

I love that!!

How awesome is it to think you will be helping these precious kiddos by just hopping over there to "yack"?!:)

Our Adoption, Our Journey. Part 2- The discussion begins

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:18:00 +0000

With the words, “it’s a boy!” your whole world turns completely around. When you become parents, nothing is what it was before. So, it makes sense that dreams change. Bands are cool when childless…not so cool with kids in tow. Well, at least for us it was no longer what we wanted to do.

So, we started to live that typical American dream. In regards to adoption we never discussed it. The only time we had discussed adopting was before we “tried” to conceive. We agreed then that we would turn directly to adoption should we have difficulties. So, I guess it was discussed a little. But it was definitely not a “goal” we had as a couple.

The first time that adoption became a more serious topic for us was after the birth of our daughter. It was not a healthy pregnancy/situation. It wasn’t horrendous, but we were now considered “high risk” in relation to pregnancy. When Sha Sha was about 1 year old, we started to talk about adopting. We inquired with some folks that did adopt. We also called a few agencies.

Everything was negative. There was nothing in us that felt “called” or had peace. Looking back, it is obvious that it was just not God’s timing. It was not His timing because He had a little surprise in store for us. It was a “surprise” in the form of Lil’ Rocker.

During our pregnancy with Lil’ Rocker, we discussed the idea of 1 more child. The Rockstar Nurse pulled out his “quiver is full” speech. So I resigned myself to the fact that this was my last pregnancy. And my last child. To be honest, adoption NEVER crossed our minds when we were pregnant with Lil’ Rocker. I assumed that if we were done being pregnant…we were done having children.

But then our world changed in a big way. In April 2006, we gave birth to a ball of hair, named “Lil Rocker”. It was a very healthy pregnancy and delivery.

What happened next could only be God inspired. No sane people go through the motions that we did. Of course, no one has ever deemed if we were certifiably sane. When Lil’ Rocker was about 2 weeks old, I began to feel an intensity about not being “done”. I didn’t mention it because of the previous “quiver” speeches.

But then the RN shared with me his change of heart. He began to feel that there was room in his heart for yet one more. I believe that God was moving our hearts to be on the same page. Our family was beautiful. We felt blessed. BUT we didn’t feel it was complete. The “quiver is full” speech got tucked away once again for future use:)

I can still remember where we were standing when the discussion began. I can’t remember who said what, but the discussion of adopting a little girl had begun.

And so at 3 weeks postpartum, I began to call agencies. Who in the world does that? That is how I KNOW this was God driven. And I am very humbled to share that our beginning stages of pursuing adoption was purely superficial. There was not a God ordained calling that we wanted to fulfill. We simply wanted to have another daughter….and we knew that there were many little girls that needed a family.

But there was a HUGE journey ahead of us that we had no idea about. And we also had no idea the incredible passion he was about to implant in us.

to be continued……….

Our Adoption, Our Journey. Part 1-Sowing Seeds

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:49:00 +0000

Whenever you get to the place where you are standing, it is easy to look back over where you have been. Even then, it is easy to forget the small steps in your journey. It is also easy to wonder if you are exaggerating the ironic connections that one bend may have with another.

But I do not believe that any “ironic connections” are to be diminished. I believe that you remember them for a reason. There are too many other moments in our lives that sift from our mind that do not serve a bearing for significance.

God allows seeds to be sown in or lives for a future time. We usually do not even know the seeds that have been planted. And that is what I find most amazing. To know that He was here….planting in MY life way before the harvest.

I do not know if any event in my life has been more significant than that of our adoption. I don’t mean the adoption itself was that significant, but the journey to the adoption. For me, it has been by far the most faith stretching act of obedience within my 35 years. And maybe that is why searching within the crevices of my mind, I can see seeds from my youth. I can see seeds in our early marriage. I can see seeds in my early motherhood.

I know that I've had a smattering of events in my early life that shaped my interest in adoption, but specific events clearly stand out in my mind. They are very simple. Quite frankly, I feel silly even mentioning them. However, they were very monumental to me in regards to this journey.

When I was about 9 or 10, Korea reintroduced international adoption to the world. I had the privilege of knowing 2 different families that brought home little girls from Korea. I was enthralled with these little girls. I was intrigued with the concept of adoption. I also was fascinated by the idea that they arrived here on a plane from somewhere across the world. It was a very positive experience for me and definitely helped to shape my decisions 20 some years later.

My intrigue continued in small ways. I was always fascinated by stories of large multi-cultural families. I can still picture the adoptive families featured in a magazine article that I read at a young age. It was obviously impacting or I wouldn’t remember the articles almost 20 years later. That alone is significant for someone who now forgets which day of the week it is:)

I then grew into my independent college years. I dreamed of a high powered career in Manhattan. At that point, the concept of marriage was very overwhelming. But I also couldn’t imagine not have having children…so I had plans to adopt:)

Obviously, I changed my ambitions.

Or really, life changed me.

Ok. Let’s be honest. It was all about my prince charming riding in on his white horse:)

Prince charming and I loved creating dreams together. When I met the Rockstar Nurse, he was just “the” Rockstar. He had a band. But he had a vision and a plan. His vision was to build an orphanage in Mexico. I quickly embraced the vision as my own. We dreamed of traveling the country with his band and sponsoring the orphanage with the proceeds. We were soooo excited about this!

A year or 2 after we were married we started to talk more seriously about it. We did begin to give money towards an orphanage project in Mexico from the proceeds of CD sales. (although we were far from sponsoring it ;) We were super psyched regarding our dream. We dreamed of living part-time in Mexico and having 50 children call us “mama” and “papa”.

However, time went along.

We had children...

the band fizzled...

the orphanage project fell off of our radar.

to be continued….:)

A conversation

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:31:00 +0000

Last week I had the opportunity to talk with a friend about adoption. The conversation was monumental for me. I have talked with plenty of others about adoption, but that was BEFORE we brought Sparkles home. I have talked to others about “the” process, the wait, different adoption options,and adoption finances.

However, it is so different now. Why? Well, because we have been through “the fire” and have come out the other side.

When we were first home, I was not in a place to encourage others. I lead an adoption ministry at my church and quite frankly I was continuing to “lead” it to encourage my own self:)

But now, I am in the place to encourage others again. When I talk to someone considering adoption, I feel my previous passion rise up within me. I am now very passionate about being honest. Brutally honest. Yes, there were days that I wished, that we wished, we never would have adopted. There were early days that I cried from fear that I screwed up my life forever.

But is that so different from becoming a biological parent? Weren’t there days that you wondered what in the world you had done to your life when the little creature beside you wouldn’t sleep?

For some reason though, as an adoptive parent you feel guilty about these honest thoughts. Perhaps it’s because you know how much these precious children have already endured.

Regardless, adoption is not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But you know what? Neither is parenthood in general.

But I can now passionately, honestly and whole heartedly say that it is so worth it. Adoption is hard, but adoption is amazing.

And you know what the hardest part of adoption is? Yourself. Our adoption stretched me further that I thought imaginable. God revealed ugly parts of me that I didn’t know existed. I did learn about how amazing his love is for me. Unconditional love has a whole new worthiness now.

If you are considering adoption it is not by chance. It is not a normal thought process. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean it in a “God is doing something in your life way.”

Push your fears aside. Fear is NOT from God. Don’t worry about the money. I’m serious. You will be BLOWN away by His provision. These children are all His children. He ~~can~~ will move mountains to bring them to you.

I had no idea that this post would be leading this way (no, I usually don’t have a “plan” when I write:) So, the only thing I can figure is that someone, somewhere needed to hear those words. If it’s you, please feel free to email me. I would love to talk with you more.

That all being said, my conversation last week has really made me want to retell our adoption story. To be honest, I’ve never told the whole thing in the first place. So, bear with me over the next couple of posts as I stroll down memory lane and look at the incredible journey that God invited us to journey with him.

Holding leaves

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:53:00 +0000

Sometimes I make myself laugh. I’m quite the Sanguine , but I do enjoy being alone with just me. Really, I do entertain myself.

So, I was entertaining myself the other day reading over my old blog. Yes, I had a previous blog. There was a day when I wrote in non-anonymity. You know before I had the legions of readers. insert sharp sarcasm.

I found this post which still makes me laugh out loud. Hope you enjoy.

Originally posted April 13, 2008:

I wasn't planning on posting today, but the conversation I had with The Ringleader on the way home from church was just too postworthy to avoid.

He was in a very good and chatty mood. He explained that they learned how people have different skin colors and that some people make fun of them for that. This was an amazing insight as my son can NEVER remember what they learned in church or in school. So knowing that he learned and retained something was encouraging. Plus, it opened up great discussion regarding our adoption.

Somehow the conversation turned (and I have no idea how it got to this point), but the Ringleader started to talk about Adam and Eve.

He said, "you know they were naked. They didn't have any clothes so they had to have leaves. Adam had something tied around him. Eve did too and then she had to hold something because she had those...what are they called? You have them too? I cant' remember what they are called?"

I nervously said, "breasts?"

"Yes" he said. "She had breasts, so she had to hold leaves over her. So Adam had to do everything. He had to do all of the cooking and cleaning and everything because Eve had to hold her leaves."

"Hmm." I said "Since I'm a girl like Eve, maybe I shouldn't do anything. Maybe Daddy and you should do everything!"

"No Mommy! You don't have leaves! You have clothes! God made us all different like that . Some people He gave clothes and others He gave leaves. That's just how He made us."

Ringleader, you are right. That is just how He made us. However, it sure would be nice to sit around and just hold leaves every once and awhile.

Introducing Sparkles…

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:12:00 +0000

You know by now that each member of my flock has a blog name. I truly hope that no one really thinks that I would name a child Sha Sha or Lil’ Rocker. Each person was given their cyber endearment because of an aspect of their personality or the unique person that they are.

Yao Yao was given her name before we ever met her. It is actually her real Chinese nickname. We still do call her Yao Yao sometimes and Lil’ Rocker will only call her Yan Yao (her full Chinese name). I knew that one day I would be able to change her cyber name to something that really represented the special person she was created to be. I didn’t dwell on the name change. I figured it would just “come” to me one day.

And sure enough it did.

Recently, I was describing Yao Yao to someone and I said, “she is just so happy. She just sparkles with life.”

And that is when it “hit me”.

Sparkles.

That one word fully encompasses the essence of her personality.

She is very dramatic especially with her facial expressions. She loves to sing. She loves to dance. She loves to talk . She loves to laugh. She is charismatic. She is friendly.

She simply… just sparkles.

The announcement

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:46:00 +0000

I never meant to instigate such a flurry of curious excitement. Of course, a balanced person would have left the reader both curious and peaceful. But in my newly embraced unbalanced state, I’ve managed to leave some only curious.

So here is the official announcement: “There is no new baby flamingo in the flock”.

Some of you who were previously balanced, are now unbalanced with confusion.

“What is she talking about?”

Well, I’ve been emailed and commented and talked to about my desire to create imbalance with my flock. And I am sad that I have created unneeded excitement in your lives.

It did force me to think about the answer to the question, “are you having another one?”

You may be suprised that I am not responding an emphatic “no”.

You may or may not remember the Rockstar Nurse’s emphatic, firm , and authoritative “no” when we were in China and 1st home. And trust me…it was quite firm.

And that has not changed. Well, not really.

It does suprise me that we have had the conversation…”should we adopt again?”

And YOU may be more suprised that I am not the one that has always initiated these conversations.

It did take 5 months for such mind boggling conversations to take place, but they did happen.

And the result?

Well, I have no idea.

In a lot of ways, I feel done. And usually about 6 days of the week or 12 hours of the day (the kids sleep for 12:) my hubby is done:)

BUUUUT, that does not end our conversations.

There are a couple reasons we think we should adopt again. There are many, many MORE reasons why we don’t want to adopt again.

BUUUUT, that still doesn’t end our conversations.

Without a doubt we were called to adopt our Yao Yao. And that calling created a passion and burden within me that although dampered at times, has never extinguished within me.

I know I should unsubscribe to the waiting children lists that arrive in my email daily.

But something stops me from doing so.

Perhaps, it is because my own beautiful daughter was one of those children.

She was a waiting child. A fact that floors me to this day. She is healthy. She has no special needs. She is loving. She is happy. She is smart. She is just an incredible little girl.

And that is why I don’t know if I will ever allow the door to be firmly closed and locked. With all that I have come to believe and all that HE has opened my eyes to over the past 3 years, it would be an act of disobedience for me to say , “no”. “Never again”.

And so, we are not moving forward. But I am still praying. And maybe that is all that I am supposed to do. Pray for the precious little faces I see each day that are in need of families.

Unbalanced

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:10:00 +0000

and so tonight I had an inspirational conversation regarding my blogging. actually, it was a conversation with my hubby. I mentioned something about my blog to him and he said…

“you are still doing that aren’t you?”

well. hmm ummm.

“yes. but I haven’t posted in 2 weeks. “

“Why?” he asked

“Well, time. I just haven’t had the time.”

“Well, what are you doing? Why can’t you take the time to blog once a week?”

Of course I turned to look around the room to validate that he was indeed talking to me and not some other blogging mama. But no, it was me:)

And he in no way meant it condescending….he knows my life is super busy…but he was lovingly and confrontingly encouraging me to make it a priority again. So here I sit tonight.

But it did bring to light this whole subject of “balance” again.

I feel like I am constantly searching for it.

But I did come to realize recently that I am way more balanced than I give myself credit for.

For example,

I always have as many dirty dishes as clean dishes.

I always have the same amount of unfolded laundry as folded.

I always have the same number of unedited photos as edited.

I have the same quantity of dust ~~dinosaurs~~ bunnies as children.

So indeed I have found the balance that I have been striving towards. I guess it just looks different than I imagined.

Looking at my balanced list, I am thinking that I really just need to strive for becoming unbalanced. To have more clean dishes than dirty would be unbalanced, but desirable.

And kids. I always dreamed about having a “balanced” number of kiddos. 4 kiddos seemed perfectly balanced. But holy cow folks…4 kiddos is throwing me. 2 threw me, BUT 1 and 3 seemed pretty easy. So it’s the even numbers…the balanced numbers that have overwhelmed me.

I discussed this theory with my husband that perhaps 5 kids would be easier than 4. It’s that whole unbalanced thing.

So who would’ve thought? Those that claim to have found the “perfect balance” are not as en viable as you thought.

I’m thinking that becoming unbalanced is my new goal.

6 months today we met….

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:03:00 +0000

6 months ago today we met this little girl.

I don’t know whose heart broke more that day….ours or hers.

She screamed.

We questioned. were we really doing the right thing?

She cried.

We cried.

But somehow the tears stopped. for then.

And somehow we made it 6 months together.

And somehow I’ve fallen in love.

6 months.

It feels like a lifetime of getting to know someone.

Yet, I’ve just begun to unwrap the gift of my daughter.

I love you Yao Yao. I really do.

The Birthday cake-part 2

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:14:00 +0000

I tend to second guess my self “after the fact” quite a lot. You know….like when you are driving home from a party and you think of everything that you said and wish you wouldn’t have. Or second guessing if a “confronting approach” to someone was a little too confronting. And of course, pondering if fellow bloggers really “got” my point.

I will admit, there was a small amount of pondering before publishing “The Birthday” cake post….was it too over the edge? Was this “family friendly” blog suddenly categorized more as a “Hollywood friendly” blog?

But I hit publish anyway.

And now I know that I should never have second guessed myself. The readers I felt “protective of” are suddenly…asking and begging for more deplorable photos. Never mind that the number 8 is now burned inflammatorily into the brains of everyone.

I decided though that I will not show the infamous rocketship first. That is not fair. I need to validate myself positively in someway. And the sad thing is that no one really cares about a success.

So here is one of my kinda cute creations.

Ok. Who am I kidding? This is it. This is the best I can do when it comes to cakes.

But I know no one cares about cute little ponies. Especially, since as far as I know it does not represent any forbidden body part.

So now I humbly show you the rocketship cake.

Now, before you say, “Flamingo…that’s not that bad”. You must realize that the photo was shot after the “rearranging” took place.

In the photo you can see the smears of icing. That is where the “blasters” used to be. Originally the “blasters” were positioned directly under the “main rocket”.

That is what the R.N. saw and when he gasped. And after he moved them, I decided to add the chocolate chips. Which now that I ‘m looking at it, I’m thinking that really didn’t help anything. I’m thinking it might even reemphasize things.

So perhaps I could do coming of age parties or something. I don’t know. Regardless, my kids always love their cakes.

And they do taste good. So I guess that is all that matters.

The Birthday Cake

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:46:00 +0000

The birthday cake. At least once a year I splurge into my insane idea of creating a memorable cake for one of my children. I have no idea why I do it. It always starts as an awesome idea. It is perfect in my head.

But, everytime I seem to forget who is going to be creating the cake…me!

I have a few cake successes in my past. Sha Sha’s 5th birthday cake was pretty darn cute. Not as cute as I imagined of course, but it was presentable.

I’ve also done a few of my infamous “toothpick cakes”. I take stickers or pictures and tape them to toothpicks which I put all over the cake. They always turn out cute. I don’t know why I just don’t stick with that whole innovative idea.

And sadly, come to think of it, it’s always the Ringleader that suffers at my hand. His 1st birthday, I threw a huge party and the theme was “sports balls”. I had the super cool idea of mini soccer ball and basketball cakes. Again, perfection in my mind.

The Rockstar Nurse and some friends of mine STILL make fun of those cakes that were presented 7 years ago. They were yummy, but I confess they did not look like a soccer ball in the least. I will still argue that the basketballs were cute.

Then there was the Ringleader’s 6th birthday. Or maybe it was his 7th. I can’t remember because I blocked it out of my memory as a coping mechanism. I had a wonderful idea of a rocketship cake! How easy? How cool?!

Well, I didn’t think it looked that bad, that is until the Rockstar Nurse gasped when he saw my cake! He quickly informed me that it was the stunning replica of the male genatalia.

Sigh.

He was right. So we flipped some things around and it again became “presentable”.

So this year, I decided to do it again. “I will make the cake!”

I saw a cute skateboard cake, but knowing my history I knew mine would not end up as cute.

So, I had the brilliant idea of the number 8 for his 8th birthday!
I can’t possibly mess up a number 8 cake! It’s just 2 round cakes!

Well, it was a dramatic effort as normal, with too much detail to hold your interest.

And again the Rockstar Nurse became mortified when he saw the cake. Basically, because when you looked at the 8 cake sideways, it looked like a woman’s, well you know. I put a cookie in the middle of the circles…I think that is what “pushed” it over the edge.

The Rockstar Nurse does get quite annoyed by my creative endeavors. I can’t complain outloud because I know he will vehemently respond, “just buy the flippin’ cake!”

And yes. Next year I will buy the cake. Well, at least for the Ringleader. But I did see a really cute guitar cake you can make for Lil’Rocker, a princess cake for Yao Yao and a pony cake for Sha Sha.

If only you could see them in my mind:)

My question, His answer

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:04:00 +0000

I wasn't going to post tonight, but I recently read a quote. I came across it again tonight and this time it hit me more than it did the 1st time.

"Sometimes I would like to ask God why he allows poverty, famine and injustice in this world, when He could do something about it....but I'm afraid He might ask me the same question." anonymous

I know that is why I sometimes hesitate to pray.

Because I'm sometimes afraid I will hear His answer.

Happy 5 months

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:35:00 +0000

Five months ago. Five months ago today we welcomed home Yao Yao. Wow. Five months! In some ways, my fingers are tempted to type 5 years. We have been through so much. She has changed so much.

In other ways, it feels like yesterday.

I realize that I have not communicated as much just regarding Yao Yao and the progress she is making. It actually was an intentional lack of communication. The Rockstar Nurse and I have gone through our own emotions and “issues” in regards to our beautiful daughter. They have not always been happy ones. In fact, we have had some down right “dark” days.

However, that is another post completely.

But I am blessed and relieved to say that over the past few weeks, we have come out of the epitome of our own “self wallowing” and we are loving our little girl.

A few nights ago, the Rockstar Nurse and I were reminiscing and celebrating over all the ways that Yao Yao has changed.

So in honor of our 9-9-09, 5 month anniversary, I will share 9 things about our sweet girl.

1. She loves the color blue. It used to be pink, but now it’s all about blue.
2. She is rarely disobedient. Actually she’s a little “too compliant”:) However, she loves to whine. How do kids learn to do that so amazingly well in such a short period of time?
3. Although she still loves certain things about her routine, she is quite flexible and goes with the flow amazingly well.
4. She is quite affectionate with her daddy. He loves to have his back scratched, so she now loves to go and “tickle” his back everytime he is sitting down. This has truely won him over. She likes to brush his hair too. It’s quite cute.
5. She is no longer afraid of animals…she loves them. When we 1st came home,her reactions over cute little puppies almost made you “pass out”. Her screams were quite terrorizing and shrill.
6. She loves to wear sunglasses. She will wear them around all day. They are often on upside down.
7. She has an incredible sense of humor. I was always worried that she wouldn’t. Our other kids have a great sense of humor. We love to tease each other and the kids love when we “pick” on them. Yao Yao has the same incredible gift. She completely understands when we are being funny and she purposely will tease us…it’s a blessing to us.
8. She is developing great bonds with her siblings. The Ringleader is great with her. She without a doubt is Lil’ Rocker’s best friend. We would have to get him counseling if he didn’t have her anymore. Even Sha Sha now accepts and even likes her sister. It is amazing. This week I looked out the window to see her holding Yao Yao’s hand as they were walking through the yard. Miracles never cease.
9. She loves to play baby dolls. This is my favorite thing to do with her for “bonding”. I love to watch her “rock” her baby. She talks to them and reads them books. My favorite is that she folds her hands, closes her eyes and prays with them when she puts them to bed.

We’ve definitely come very far over the past 5 months. Not as far of a distance as she has had to go though. To be honest, most of us never have to go the distance these little ones do in our entire lives. I do love this girl and it makes me sad to know that I’m not always the best mommy to her. And that I don’t usually give all that I have. And that I too have failed her.

But I guess that is what is great about each morning (if there is something great about a morning:)…we can start anew.

We have fallen into our family’s normal now. It is a wonderful vibe to be in.

Choosing the “imperfect” now…

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 18:42:00 +0000

One of the main reasons I blog publically is because I want to be an encouragement to others…no matter if it is the journey of motherhood or adoption or whatever. Nothing thrills my heart more than when I receive an email from someone who identified with something I said and it was just what they needed to get through their day.

It thrills my heart because I know that God used me that day to speak to someone else. I know it is not my words , but His and there is nothing more satisfying to me.

So, yesterday I started to obsess over the post that I last wrote. I started to worry that a fellow mom in the throes of toddlerhood was thinking, “what is wrong with me? I’m not enjoying this. I look forward to the breaks. I’m not fulfilled.”

Every word I write is true. It is from my heart, at least for that day. I have always done much better speaking my feelings through words than by mouth or even actions. So, I guess I wanted to clarify or even reiterate that while I do love being at home with little ones, it doesn’t mean that every moment is perfect.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t end up in tears over a little boy that poops in his “big boy” pants yet once again.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t sigh audibly loud when a 3 year old comes down from “nap” without sleeping.

It doesn’t mean that my heart warms over the sounds of the constant sibling bickering.

It doesn’t mean that I want to stay forever in the moment of a writhing, screaming and tantrum throwing toddler.

What it does mean…..

Is that the sweet things throughout the day stay with me more than “bad” things….at least I try and choose for them to be.

And it’s that I realize that nothing in this life is perfect. Not a job, a home, a person, a career, a family or a child.

And it’s that everything in this life is somewhat hard….especially our jobs, our home, people, careers, families and children.

So, that is why I love where I am at. It’s not perfect. It’s not easy. But out of all the imperfect places in this world, I would choose no other place than where I am.

And as sad and even intimidated I may be over the future, I realize that the next “imperfect” stage may be even better than now.

Appreciating the ornery

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:26:00 +0000

I should be leaving right now for the agonizing chore of weekly groceries, but instead I am here spending time with you chatting:)

And right now as I type, a dark haired little girl with pig tails is asking me a million questions in "Engl-ese". I hear her chatter away as she asks questions about the pictures on my computer screen.

" Who is that?" she asks.

"I don't know. Who is it?"

"That is mommy." she says.

Yes, she is at the stage of asking the redundant questions to which she knows the answer . Gotta love that stage.

And regarding the subject of stages....this past week has put me in a new place and a new perspective with my stage of life. I am a "stay at home" mom and have been for 8 years. (who came up with that term was never a "stay at home" mom because I do everything but actually "stay at home". I digress.)

I love this stage of my life. Love it, love it. I NEVER regret giving up my profession. I never regret giving up the money. I have to say that I don't think I EVER fantasized about working full time. Yes, there were days where I wish I could crawl into the black hole of mommyhood oblivion, but they are fleeting moments...or days:)

This rambling tangent is about realizing that I have only 2 years left. 2 years left and this stage will be done. Yes, I may still "be at home", but my kiddos will be gone all day in school. I seriously get very emotional about that. Yes, they can get on my last nerve, but this is what I do and have done and I can't imagine doing anything else.

However, the last few years I've been trying to hold out and just "get through" until they are in school. Like that is the goal or the prize or the reward. I've enjoyed my time with my kiddos, but I will admit that I have lost focus alot.

And in some ways, I feel like I have a "2nd chance". This is my 2nd chance to embrace being at home with my kids. Being with Lil' Rocker and Yao Yao during the past week has been an absolute joy. I love watching their relationship blossom.

I love being able to do things that entertain for just 1 age level. A box of dry pasta entertains 3 year olds for awhile you know!

And I love feeling less stressed and just enjoying them. 3 year olds are darn cute.

They are ornery, but blasted cute.

My goal over the next 2 years is to enjoy these 2 lil' tykes. And to not take my profession as a mom for granted and appreciate what I've been given.

And I have been given much.

1st day of school...

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 02:45:00 +0000

The 1st day of school has come and gone. Actually, by now we have already accomplished 2 days so only 179 more to go!

The kids were so excited for school. Well, The Ringleader was more than excited...he was incredibly exuberant! He got everything ready the night before with great ambition. He even packs his own lunch!

So the morning was not filled with as much chaos as I expected because the kids awoke easily and we had plenty of time to kill. Of course we still had to run for the bus because my photo session took too long.

Everyone was very excited for school to begin...even Lil'Rocker and Yao Yao. They couldn't wait to see the bus. Here is the happy crew. I do not strive for photo perfection with the 4 of them...just their presence in the photo. By the way, don't you love Lil' Rocker's hair??

Sha Sha did not seem anxious at all. She has ridden a bus to preschool for 2 years so it didn't feel too much different to her.

The Ringleader insisted I take this walking to the bus stop photo.

Sha Sha and The Ringleader both had wonderful 1st days. The Ringleader's day was filled with tales of recess and Sha Sha does not remember anything that she did except that there is a water fountain in her room :) lol

As I was tucking The Ringleader in after the 1st night of school he said, "mom, I just looove school! I sure can't wait to go back."

Wow...that place must be Disneyland or something.

The Rockstar Nurse and I are casting lots for when this excitement will end. I think we are both wrong because it looks like day 2, it's already fading. Apparently 2nd grade includes learning and school work. I do not think this message was given to The Ringleader ahead of time:)

Sha Sha hasn't complained about the long days yet...simply because the Ringleader has the same hours. And in typical style whatever the Ringleader does is what Sha Sha does:)

I have to admit, I was ready for them to go back to school the final week. I'm loving having time with the youngest 2 alone. But I do miss them when they are gone.

And I think they miss each other too. As Sha Sha watched The Ringleader get on the bus, she said, "mommy. I miss my Ringleader."

I know you do precious Sha Sha...and so do I.

Spewing some thoughts....

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 02:25:00 +0000

The last time I posted I asked what you wanted to hear and my conclusion is that the mixed review means I should just spew. Spew whats on my mind and in my life.

So, that's what I'm going to do...just spew:)

Without a doubt what is on my mind tonight is school. We are only 1.5 days away from the beginning of school! AAAGGGH!

I will admit, I'm actually getting excited. I'm excited because the kids are excited. No one is dreading it and no one seems to be full of fears. Plus it is a change. Did I tell you how much I love change? I love change!!

Now, you may not realize this because quite frankly I have not majorally redecorated my home since we moved in 4 years ago and my facebook profile hasn't changed in quite awhile and my blog page is still the same annoying design. BUUUT that is because it is reality limiting me to the same visual humdrum. I'm tickled pink to not have ants feeding off my floor at the end of the day...could really care less that my walls are still the same color:)

But the start of the school year means a change in routine and a change in seasons.

HOWEVER, that is where the excitement ends. Within 1 month I will be complaining about the school routine....because it is just that...routine. Thoughts of hasseling out the door everyday with 2 3 year olds in tow gives me the heebie jeebies.

And this year I have 2 buses to catch. 2 schools to deal with activities. 2 PTO's to avoid:0 We made the difficult decision to send Sha Sha to a different school this year. The decision did not come with MANY tears on my end. I've cried for 1.5 years over this decision and if you talk to me about it, I will cry again:) Sha Sha learns uniquely, so this is the best educational decision we could make for her right now.

BUUUUT, I am at peace because the decision has involved much prayer and I know that for this year, we are to go forth with the 2 school plan.

However, that is not to say we won't change plans midstream or next year. I'm not a planner, but I'm a big picture thinker. That's odd isn't it? Actually it's not because I basically hate being detailed but I like to envision:) So, it's hard for me to not know what the future holds for schooling. I just have to continue praying and be open to whatever direction He leads me.

And that statement being uttered, I would be an idiot to not know that is exactly God's point in the whole deal.

Real, but maybe not deep

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:41:00 +0000

I always laugh when I see I have someone new "following" my blog. It makes me laugh because I wonder why anyone would follow me these days considering I'm posting only like twice a month. The funny things is I lay in bed at night and think of things that I would love to get out of bed and write about....but I don't. Yes, there is some sense of discipline in my life now when it comes to blogging.

On a complete side note, I find that if I'm on my computer before bed, I can't sleep! Someone shared with me that you secrete some kind of brain chemical from the lights of the computer screen that prevents you from sleeping. I believe it is quite true.

Now that I started this post, I'm realizing that I have no idea where I want it to go. There are plenty of subjects that I could write about right now. But, I don't know how deep I feel like being at 11pm.

The other fact is that I have no idea what you enjoy reading. I've done this before and it takes me months to finish, but I'm feeling adventurous, so I will do it again. What do you want to hear about? Any "burning" questions? Do you want family life stuff, adoption stuff, or deep stuff...like my thoughts? That alone comes with a word of caution.

Seriously, I've struggled with determing if I should blog about my everyday family life or posting a devotional....I have SOOO many ideas for a devotional from my life:)

Deep or not so deep...it doesn't matter. Whatever I write on will be real...I always promise you that.

Summer 09 so far....

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 02:35:00 +0000

August 1st....it is August 1st!!! Where did this summer go?? There are only 25 days left until the school drum starts beating again. Yes, some days I'm ready to hit that drum myself...but most days I'm not ready at all for the summer to end.

The Ringleader and Sha Sha are at a sleepover at their friend's house tonight...so it's just Yao Yao and Lil' Rocker. It is such a different dynamic without the oldest 2 here. It will feel so wierd to have them gone for 40 hours a week again!

I'm digressing from the point of the post....what in the world we have done this summer.

School. Yes, we have done school. A micro-version of homeschooling. I know I've loved it...not sure about my students:) I love to learn and I love to read so I hope my kiddos will do the same. So, I've loved trying to find ways to get my oldest son to enjoy reading...he loves to be read to, but struggles with reading himself.

Sha Sha is learning abled, but has a lot of challenges. I've actually thrived on finding ways that she will learn easier. Appaloosa. Sha Sha is wants to learn how to spell the world Appaloosa...so that is what we are working towards:)

So, there is a point in my kids doing school with me this summer..it was not to fulfil me, but to avoid physically going to summer school which I'm not a fan of:)

One thing that I found that are pretty good are Summer Bridge Activity books. They have workbooks for each grade....it reviews what they did the previous year and introduces new stuff for the next year.

However, I love, love Time4learning. Goodness, I promote it to everyone! The computer program was completely above my expectations..it is excellent! My non reading son, is reading withou complaint and Sha Sha loves it too! My kids sometimes beg me to do computer school. The great thing with this program is that it has a full teaching curriculum with it and tracks and monitors their progress. So, if you are still looking for ways to maintain your kids learning this summer...try it out.

OK...did I just write 3 paragraphs on summer time learning? Sorry...I tend to get excited about this stuff.

But I'm really not the learning nazi...we've had more fun than not:)

We enjoyed a vacation in the mountains with family.

We went tubing down the river.

There was fishing....

And more fishing.

Aaah. Serenity.

Goofy times.

Water times.

We visited a local amusement park for the day. Everyone had a blast. Even Lil' Rocker was an angel.

And Yao Yao was not overwhelmed in the least. She LOVED it! Go figure. So much for sensory overload.

The Ringleader gets a little bored on the kiddie rides now.

Sha Sha loves our annual day at the park.

Of course, we celebrated Sha Sha' 6th birthday. Of course it was a horse theme.

Pool time! Finally, finally The Ringleader swims! And underwater! Him and Sha Sha have somewhat of a water fear. The Ringleader even hated water in his face. But one day it clicked and the fear was gone and now I have a waterbug:)

Of course there is NO fear of water with this lil' guy...does that suprise you?

And Yao Yao loved the water too! She also has no fears and doesn't want to stop swimming.

Sha loves the pool, but still enjoys the snacks mom packs the most:)

And lil' Sha Sha started horse riding lessons! She loves it so much.

It is incredible therapy and what a confidence builder. If only it wasn't so darn expensive:)

Of course there was some hanging out with friends.... Yao Yao was excited to show SuSu her new home!

And we've had fun times as a family. Our newest family night event....Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero and Singstar. I think The Rockstar Nurse and I had too much fun with Dance Revolution.

The Rockstar Nurse was muttering to me under his breath that I better not blog this picture...so of course I will. There are even better videos. But I will admit...he's good. And yes, he beat my score. (what in the world? He hates to dance...i love to dance!)

Yao Yao sang her heart out with unknown words:)

And of course, lil' Rocker rocked out.

I have no other photos of our summer time excursions. We visited the lake and creeks. All 4 kiddos attended Vacation Bible School with enthusiasm! And guess what...I had 12 hours to myself in one week!! That was quite the highlight:) I have no desire to dwell on negative things like potty training or lack there of. So, that will be a different post. And trust me, that will be a long one. sigh

So I hope you are enjoying your summer. We still are. And we look forward to celebrating next week with my brother, sis in law and nephew! They are visiting from Oklahoma and we are all so excited! So I will once again be gone from bloggerville.

just wanted to post this photo because it's so darn cute:)

Happy 6th Birthday Sha Sha!

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 02:53:00 +0000

Every mother likes to share her story. The story of becoming a mother.

No, not HOW she became a mother, but the detailed events of the day that her precious bundle of joy entered the world OR her world.

I don't know why we revel in such details, but during a pregnancy, stories of dilation and contractions are like drugs to the soul. You can't seem to get enough of it. I guess that is why there are so many "Baby Stories" on TLC.

Being a mom through adoption is very different, but in a lot of ways the same. We obsess over process times and paperwork and surf blogworld in search of another adoptive mom's saga.

I have 4 very different stories in my motherhood journey. I guess I am blessed. No, I KNOW I am blessed.

So, this long intro was just a way of reeling you in to hearing one of my "stories". And the "story" I am blessed to share is the story of my precious Sha Sha who was born 6 years ago today!

In November of 2002, I suspected I was pregnant with baby #2. Sure enough, the tests confirmed it and we were due to become parents again in August of 2006.

My 2nd pregnancy was quite different than my first. Mostly because I wasn't hurling throughout the day (sorry for the graphic language. Our "stories" always involve that). Actually this pregnancy allowed me to somewhat grasp a small glimpse of why some women enjoy being pregnant:)

We found out halfway through our pregnancy that we were having a girl! Our 1st time we were "suprised". This time we were able to glimpse a peek at our precious child because The Rockstar Nurse has connections at the hospital for the ultrasound machine. Crazy thing was our "connection" was just a surgical resident. Oh well...he got it right!

I never seriously questioned if anything was "wrong" during my pregnancy, but a couple of times I would ask. The most eluding fact was because I gained a total of 19 pounds. I gained almost 50 with The Ringleader and Lil'Rocker, so 19 was abnormal for me. But they said each pregnancy was different, so I went with that. Although I still thought it was odd that I gain a 1/2 lb on a visit instead of the 10 I was accustomed to:)

So I continued on through 35 weeks. That visit was when it was discovered that I stopped growing at 32 weeks of pregnancy.

So I had to wait 5 days. Count them 5 days, until I had my ultrasound! I would never allow them to let me wait that long now, but I did then.

Anyway, on Tuesday July 22nd, the ultrasound revealed that things were not good. In fact, things were REALLY not good. My daughter was predicted to be only in the 2nd percentile for size. She was breech. The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. The nurse was very solomn and subdued when she told me. Not a good sign you know.

I had tears in my eyes as I heard the unexpected news. Mostly the tears were because I knew that meant C-section. Crazy thing was I never let my mind start to worry about the baby. Terrible mom I am, but I was scared for ME at that point! :)

So, after being admited to the hospital for extensive ultrasounds, they decided that our precious Sha Sha would be brought into the world that night.

Sha Sha was born at 36wks and 5 days and weighed only 4lb 5oz. It was a HUGE praise because she was only supposed to be 2 lbs.

I will never forget the 1st time I held her. I stared at her for a minute in my arms and then I puked:)

Miss Sha Sha was in the NICU for about 9 days. She was the "spit fire" of the unit.

Out of all my children, I get most emotional over my Sha Sha. I get emotional because I know that things could have been so much worse. I also get emotional because there are a lifetime residual effects of the complications....and I often feel guilty for that.

But Sha Sha is my precious gift. There is DEFINITELY no other little girl like her in this world. I am blessed with her uniqueness.

She has changed and grown so much over the past 6 years (well, not really she only weighs 32 lbs!) I am so proud of her.

1 year old

2 years old

3 years old

4 years old

5 years old

Happy 6th Birthday Sha Sha!! I am so glad you are part of my story. I am so honored to be your mom.

Belly graveling

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:00:00 +0000

A few posts ago, I talked about my "coming back". At that point, I had made the decision to get a grip on my life. Well, really my spiritual life. I realized what little credit I've given God to help me with this little stuff. The sadness, grief, anger, stress were not delivered to Him. Instead, I was constantly trying to will myself every morning that I would change...that things would change.

But then, I would get out of bed in the morning and the same cyclical spiral would continue.

Through readings and listening, I realized what He was telling me. It ALL goes back to Him. Well, the relationship that I have with Him. I can NOT change my world...only He can. And although I have the ability to choose my actions, my words, my thoughts, I will not have the strength to change these things without a full out dependence on him. That my anger, stress, frustration with my kids was hardly about the kids. It was where I was with Him.

So, I came to Him on my knees....I mean ON MY KNEES.

And from that point on I started to see changes and feel changes.

I was able to better control my tongue. I began to appreciate my children. I started to see that I was within His purpose right here as a mom.

I don't think I'm really communicating everything that has gone on inside of me. It's still morning, and yes I still question if God is powerful enough to make me a morning person:)

So, since words are not eloquently flowing, I will just say that I am praising God because I feel like me again. It feels normal. I feel normal. My kids feel normal. My life feels normal.

Looking back, I really believe there was a veil of depression over me.

Of course, my feeling of normal can also be largely attributed to the fact that I have my precious little boy back.

Lil'Rocker left us in a cloud of smoke to become "Chuckie with Rocker hair". But now, my precious lil' boy is back. His defiance and evil streak seemed to go over night.

I can not tell you how beautiful it is to me to be able to hold him and rock him at night. He comes to me when he is hurt now. He enjoys my presence again. I didn't realize how much I missed him.

The change in him did not come until I was on my knees. Actually, I was on my belly.

And I'm so glad I was because I don't think I would have graveled before the Lord like I did...and I don't think I would be where I am with Him if I hadn't.

Embracing the Now

flamingo.mama@hotmail.com (Flamingo Mama) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:39:00 +0000

Last weekend we celebrated our 11 year anniversary. Well, we didn't really celebrate in BIG style. We ordered in Olive Garden and watched episodes of 24 (yes, still from this past season). The Rock Star Nurse then get all excited and asked me to come outside with him. He had a flashlight and a spray can. He wanted to know if I would hold the light for him while he sprayed for hornets?!

Are you kidding me?? After 11 years you don't realize that I'm petrified of bees?!

But he insisted this was fun....that this was "us"...that we always do things different...and this was a "different" way to celebrate:)

Perhaps he's right.

But 11 years made me stroll down memory lane quite rapidly. It doesn't take much for me to get all nostalgic. Anniversaries and birthdays quickly do that to you. After our hornet invasion, we sat on the couch and talked about the past.

We talked about our 1st apartment. And our 1st house. And when we had babies in the house.

I got all misty eyed and wished we could go back for just one day.

I love my life now...I do. But it did seem more simplistic then.

Then tonight I discovered I had archived some old photos in my online account. It didn't help my nostalgic triggers to see them again. And although I know this holds no memories for you, it indulges me:)

2003. The Ringleader was 22 months old and precious Sha Sha was just born. I wish so badly I could hold each of them right now at this age. Precious.

The day we brought Sha Sha home. I don't think we look old now, but wowsers...we look young then!

This is one of my favorite photos. It was 2005 when Sha Sha was 1 1/2 and The Ring leader was 3 1/2. I miss Sha Sha's red curls. She had the most gorgeous curly hair.

I've been thinking a lot about our tendancy to fall into the "grass is always greener" on the other side mentality. I know I fall into it over and over again. And someday a couple of years from now I will look at pictures from when my kids were 7, 6, 3, and 3 and want to be able to grab my kids out of the picture and hold them.

Silly thing is that they are here in front of me right now.

So somehow this post has gone from chasing hornets to embracing "the now". Didn't I just write on that a post or 2 ago? hmm...perhaps God is telling me something from my own writing (I truely don't hope that you think I have a plan when I write these posts:)

So I leave you with my newly acquired knowledge....

Embrace the now, but appreciate the past.