It’s hard to believe that exactly 1 year ago, on Thanksgiving eve, we received an update on our daughter still in China.
Wow!!! How a year can change things. Amazing. Absolutely amazing!
How can this be the same little girl that is running around right now squealing with joy over the new Christmas decorations???!!!
We are blessed. Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone!!
The minute I began to “research” adoption, I became consumed. OK. Not consumed, obsessed. It’s sort of like when a couple decides to “start trying” to become pregnant. It doesn’t matter how laid back you intended to be, your nonchalant”ness” quickly turns to wondering about it every hour day.
And so, I made phone call after phone call to agencies. I read books. I surfed the web. I approached strangers in Target who appeared to be an adoptive family:) I’m sort of a knowledge nut. I don’t retain much, but I love to inquire:)
As time went on, I was becoming very inspired. However, no matter my level of excitement, I was very waivering. I was waivering on whether or not I really wanted four children. I was also like a seesaw in regards to having a biological child versus adopting. As a woman, I started to grieve that I would not have any more biological children. It was not the same intense grieving as when it is not in your control, however there was still a sadness.
I became consumed with my indecision. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I wanted. I would rock my baby at night and want another baby. I would read a book on adoption and want to adopt. I started to spin myself in so many circles that I was dizzy.
I now know the source of my confusion and my frustration. I had spent so much consumed time thinking about me. Everything was about what I wanted. I was trying to decide monumental decisions with logic. With a pro’s and con’s list. When the fact is I had no idea what I wanted and I belittled the idea of what GOD wanted for me. For us. For our family.
I will NEVER forget where I was at when HE did speak. I was sitting on the couch. I can remember which cushion I was sitting on. I can remember the way the sunlight filtered across our living room floor. I can remember the way I was sitting.
The reason that I will never forget is because it is probably the loudest and clearest that I have ever heard His voice. I was doing a devotion and praying. I remember praying about this cyclical indecisions I was having about wanting more children. I remember praying, “God….I just don’t know what I want.”
And His response, “It’s not all about you.”
That simple. That clear. That powerful. That life changing.
I was rocked off my feet. It was undeniably God speaking to my "me" centered heart. My mind began spinning as I tried to grasp about what this actually meant.
“It wasn’t just about me! “ Wow. Huh. Imagine that. The concept that I worked tirelessly to engrain in my kids was actually hitting me like I’d never heard it before.
And so my elementary revelation was just the first step in His revealing His heart and His passion to me. It wasn’t just about me. It was about a child because after all, I am not the only one in God's plans.
And that simple fact changed the course of my life forever. 
With the words, “it’s a boy!” your whole world turns completely around. When you become parents, nothing is what it was before. So, it makes sense that dreams change. Bands are cool when childless…not so cool with kids in tow. Well, at least for us it was no longer what we wanted to do.
So, we started to live that typical American dream. In regards to adoption we never discussed it. The only time we had discussed adopting was before we “tried” to conceive. We agreed then that we would turn directly to adoption should we have difficulties. So, I guess it was discussed a little. But it was definitely not a “goal” we had as a couple.
The first time that adoption became a more serious topic for us was after the birth of our daughter. It was not a healthy pregnancy/situation. It wasn’t horrendous, but we were now considered “high risk” in relation to pregnancy. When Sha Sha was about 1 year old, we started to talk about adopting. We inquired with some folks that did adopt. We also called a few agencies.
Everything was negative. There was nothing in us that felt “called” or had peace. Looking back, it is obvious that it was just not God’s timing. It was not His timing because He had a little surprise in store for us. It was a “surprise” in the form of Lil’ Rocker.
During our pregnancy with Lil’ Rocker, we discussed the idea of 1 more child. The Rockstar Nurse pulled out his “quiver is full” speech. So I resigned myself to the fact that this was my last pregnancy. And my last child. To be honest, adoption NEVER crossed our minds when we were pregnant with Lil’ Rocker. I assumed that if we were done being pregnant…we were done having children.
But then our world changed in a big way. In April 2006, we gave birth to a ball of hair, named “Lil Rocker”. It was a very healthy pregnancy and delivery.
What happened next could only be God inspired. No sane people go through the motions that we did. Of course, no one has ever deemed if we were certifiably sane. When Lil’ Rocker was about 2 weeks old, I began to feel an intensity about not being “done”. I didn’t mention it because of the previous “quiver” speeches.
But then the RN shared with me his change of heart. He began to feel that there was room in his heart for yet one more. I believe that God was moving our hearts to be on the same page. Our family was beautiful. We felt blessed. BUT we didn’t feel it was complete. The “quiver is full” speech got tucked away once again for future use:)
I can still remember where we were standing when the discussion began. I can’t remember who said what, but the discussion of adopting a little girl had begun.
And so at 3 weeks postpartum, I began to call agencies. Who in the world does that? That is how I KNOW this was God driven. And I am very humbled to share that our beginning stages of pursuing adoption was purely superficial. There was not a God ordained calling that we wanted to fulfill. We simply wanted to have another daughter….and we knew that there were many little girls that needed a family.
But there was a HUGE journey ahead of us that we had no idea about. And we also had no idea the incredible passion he was about to implant in us.
to be continued……….
Whenever you get to the place where you are standing, it is easy to look back over where you have been. Even then, it is easy to forget the small steps in your journey. It is also easy to wonder if you are exaggerating the ironic connections that one bend may have with another.
But I do not believe that any “ironic connections” are to be diminished. I believe that you remember them for a reason. There are too many other moments in our lives that sift from our mind that do not serve a bearing for significance.
God allows seeds to be sown in or lives for a future time. We usually do not even know the seeds that have been planted. And that is what I find most amazing. To know that He was here….planting in MY life way before the harvest.
I do not know if any event in my life has been more significant than that of our adoption. I don’t mean the adoption itself was that significant, but the journey to the adoption. For me, it has been by far the most faith stretching act of obedience within my 35 years. And maybe that is why searching within the crevices of my mind, I can see seeds from my youth. I can see seeds in our early marriage. I can see seeds in my early motherhood.
I know that I've had a smattering of events in my early life that shaped my interest in adoption, but specific events clearly stand out in my mind. They are very simple. Quite frankly, I feel silly even mentioning them. However, they were very monumental to me in regards to this journey.
When I was about 9 or 10, Korea reintroduced international adoption to the world. I had the privilege of knowing 2 different families that brought home little girls from Korea. I was enthralled with these little girls. I was intrigued with the concept of adoption. I also was fascinated by the idea that they arrived here on a plane from somewhere across the world. It was a very positive experience for me and definitely helped to shape my decisions 20 some years later.
My intrigue continued in small ways. I was always fascinated by stories of large multi-cultural families. I can still picture the adoptive families featured in a magazine article that I read at a young age. It was obviously impacting or I wouldn’t remember the articles almost 20 years later. That alone is significant for someone who now forgets which day of the week it is:)
I then grew into my independent college years. I dreamed of a high powered career in Manhattan. At that point, the concept of marriage was very overwhelming. But I also couldn’t imagine not have having children…so I had plans to adopt:)
Obviously, I changed my ambitions.
Or really, life changed me.
Ok. Let’s be honest. It was all about my prince charming riding in on his white horse:) 
Prince charming and I loved creating dreams together. When I met the Rockstar Nurse, he was just “the” Rockstar. He had a band. But he had a vision and a plan. His vision was to build an orphanage in Mexico. I quickly embraced the vision as my own. We dreamed of traveling the country with his band and sponsoring the orphanage with the proceeds. We were soooo excited about this!
A year or 2 after we were married we started to talk more seriously about it. We did begin to give money towards an orphanage project in Mexico from the proceeds of CD sales. (although we were far from sponsoring it ;) We were super psyched regarding our dream. We dreamed of living part-time in Mexico and having 50 children call us “mama” and “papa”.
However, time went along.
We had children...
the band fizzled...
the orphanage project fell off of our radar.
to be continued….:)
Last week I had the opportunity to talk with a friend about adoption. The conversation was monumental for me. I have talked with plenty of others about adoption, but that was BEFORE we brought Sparkles home. I have talked to others about “the” process, the wait, different adoption options,and adoption finances.
However, it is so different now. Why? Well, because we have been through “the fire” and have come out the other side.
When we were first home, I was not in a place to encourage others. I lead an adoption ministry at my church and quite frankly I was continuing to “lead” it to encourage my own self:)
But now, I am in the place to encourage others again. When I talk to someone considering adoption, I feel my previous passion rise up within me. I am now very passionate about being honest. Brutally honest. Yes, there were days that I wished, that we wished, we never would have adopted. There were early days that I cried from fear that I screwed up my life forever.
But is that so different from becoming a biological parent? Weren’t there days that you wondered what in the world you had done to your life when the little creature beside you wouldn’t sleep?
For some reason though, as an adoptive parent you feel guilty about these honest thoughts. Perhaps it’s because you know how much these precious children have already endured.
Regardless, adoption is not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But you know what? Neither is parenthood in general.
But I can now passionately, honestly and whole heartedly say that it is so worth it. Adoption is hard, but adoption is amazing.
And you know what the hardest part of adoption is? Yourself. Our adoption stretched me further that I thought imaginable. God revealed ugly parts of me that I didn’t know existed. I did learn about how amazing his love is for me. Unconditional love has a whole new worthiness now.
If you are considering adoption it is not by chance. It is not a normal thought process. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean it in a “God is doing something in your life way.”
Push your fears aside. Fear is NOT from God. Don’t worry about the money. I’m serious. You will be BLOWN away by His provision. These children are all His children. He can will move mountains to bring them to you.
I had no idea that this post would be leading this way (no, I usually don’t have a “plan” when I write:) So, the only thing I can figure is that someone, somewhere needed to hear those words. If it’s you, please feel free to email me. I would love to talk with you more.
That all being said, my conversation last week has really made me want to retell our adoption story. To be honest, I’ve never told the whole thing in the first place. So, bear with me over the next couple of posts as I stroll down memory lane and look at the incredible journey that God invited us to journey with him.
Sometimes I make myself laugh. I’m quite the Sanguine , but I do enjoy being alone with just me. Really, I do entertain myself.
So, I was entertaining myself the other day reading over my old blog. Yes, I had a previous blog. There was a day when I wrote in non-anonymity. You know before I had the legions of readers. insert sharp sarcasm.
I found this post which still makes me laugh out loud. Hope you enjoy.
Originally posted April 13, 2008:
I wasn't planning on posting today, but the conversation I had with The Ringleader on the way home from church was just too postworthy to avoid.
He was in a very good and chatty mood. He explained that they learned how people have different skin colors and that some people make fun of them for that. This was an amazing insight as my son can NEVER remember what they learned in church or in school. So knowing that he learned and retained something was encouraging. Plus, it opened up great discussion regarding our adoption.
Somehow the conversation turned (and I have no idea how it got to this point), but the Ringleader started to talk about Adam and Eve.
He said, "you know they were naked. They didn't have any clothes so they had to have leaves. Adam had something tied around him. Eve did too and then she had to hold something because she had those...what are they called? You have them too? I cant' remember what they are called?"
I nervously said, "breasts?"
"Yes" he said. "She had breasts, so she had to hold leaves over her. So Adam had to do everything. He had to do all of the cooking and cleaning and everything because Eve had to hold her leaves."
"Hmm." I said "Since I'm a girl like Eve, maybe I shouldn't do anything. Maybe Daddy and you should do everything!"
"No Mommy! You don't have leaves! You have clothes! God made us all different like that . Some people He gave clothes and others He gave leaves. That's just how He made us."
Ringleader, you are right. That is just how He made us. However, it sure would be nice to sit around and just hold leaves every once and awhile.
