Introducing Sparkles…

You know by now that each member of my flock has a blog name.  I truly hope that no one really thinks that I would name a child Sha Sha or Lil’ Rocker.  Each person was given their cyber endearment because of an aspect of their personality  or the unique person that they are.  

Yao Yao was given her name before we ever met her.  It is actually her real Chinese nickname.  We still do call her Yao Yao sometimes and Lil’ Rocker will only call her Yan Yao (her full Chinese name).  I knew that one day I would be able to change her cyber name to something that really represented the special person she was created to be.  I didn’t dwell on the name change.  I figured it would just “come” to me one day.

And sure enough it did. 

Recently, I was describing Yao Yao to someone and I said, “she is just so happy.  She just sparkles with life.”

And that is when it “hit me”. 

Sparkles.

That one word fully encompasses the essence of her personality. 

She is very dramatic especially with her facial expressions.  She loves to sing.  She loves to dance.  She loves to talk .  She loves to laugh.  She is charismatic.  She is friendly.

She simply… just sparkles.

The announcement

I never meant to instigate such a flurry of curious excitement.  Of course, a balanced person would have left the reader both curious and peaceful.  But in my newly embraced unbalanced state, I’ve managed to leave some only curious.

So here is the official announcement: “There is no new baby flamingo in the flock”.

Some of you who were previously balanced, are now unbalanced with confusion. 

“What is she talking about?”

Well, I’ve been emailed and commented and talked to about my desire to create imbalance with my flock.  And I am sad that I have created unneeded excitement in your lives.

It did force me to think about the answer to the question, “are you having another one?”

You may be suprised that I am not responding an emphatic “no”. 

You may or may not remember the Rockstar Nurse’s emphatic, firm , and authoritative “no” when we were in China and 1st home.  And trust me…it was quite firm.

And that has not changed.  Well, not really. 

It does suprise me that we have had the conversation…”should we adopt again?”

And YOU may be more suprised that I am not the one that has always initiated these conversations.

It did take 5 months for such mind boggling conversations to take place, but they did happen.

And the result?

Well, I have no idea.

In a lot of ways, I feel done.  And usually about 6 days of the week or 12 hours of the day (the kids sleep for 12:) my hubby is done:)

BUUUUT, that does not end our conversations.

There are a couple reasons we think we should adopt again.  There are many, many MORE reasons why we don’t want to adopt again.

BUUUUT, that still doesn’t end our conversations.

Without a doubt we were called to adopt our Yao Yao.  And that calling created a passion and burden within me that although dampered at times, has never extinguished within me. 

I know I should unsubscribe to the waiting children lists that arrive in my email daily. 

But something stops me from doing so. 

Perhaps, it is because my own beautiful daughter was one of those children.

She was a waiting child.  A fact that floors me to this day.  She is healthy.  She has no special needs.  She is loving.  She is happy.   She is smart.  She is just an incredible little girl.

And that is why I don’t know if I will ever allow the door to be firmly closed and locked.  With all that I have come to believe and all that HE has opened my eyes to over the past 3 years, it would be an act of disobedience for me to say , “no”.  “Never again”.

And so, we are not moving forward.  But I am still praying.  And maybe that is all that I am supposed to do.  Pray for the precious little faces I see each day that are in need of families.   

Unbalanced

and so tonight I had an inspirational conversation regarding my blogging.  actually, it was a conversation with my hubby.  I mentioned something about my blog to him and he said…

“you are still doing that aren’t you?” 

well.  hmm ummm.

“yes.  but I haven’t posted in 2 weeks.  “

“Why?” he asked

“Well, time.  I just haven’t had the time.”

“Well, what are you doing?  Why can’t you take the time to blog once a week?”

Of course I turned to look around the room to validate that he was indeed talking to me and not some other blogging mama.  But no, it was me:)

And he in no way meant it condescending….he knows my life is super busy…but he was lovingly and confrontingly encouraging me to make it a priority again. So here I sit tonight.

But it did bring to light this whole subject of “balance” again.

I feel like I am constantly searching for it. 

But I did come to realize recently that I am way more balanced than I give myself credit for.

For example,

I always have as many dirty dishes as clean dishes. 

I always have the same amount of unfolded laundry as folded.

I always have the same number of unedited photos as edited.

I  have the same quantity of dust dinosaurs bunnies as children.

So indeed I have found the balance that I have been striving towards.  I guess it just looks different than I imagined. 

Looking at my balanced list, I am thinking that I really just need to strive for becoming unbalanced.  To have more clean dishes than dirty would be unbalanced, but desirable. 

And kids.  I always dreamed about having a “balanced” number of kiddos.  4 kiddos seemed perfectly balanced.  But holy cow folks…4 kiddos is throwing me.  2 threw me, BUT 1 and 3 seemed pretty easy.  So it’s the even numbers…the balanced numbers that have overwhelmed me. 

I discussed this theory with my husband that perhaps 5 kids would be easier than 4.  It’s that whole unbalanced thing. 

So who would’ve thought?  Those that claim to have found the “perfect balance” are not as en viable as you thought.

I’m thinking that becoming unbalanced is my new goal.