A conversation

Last week I had the opportunity to talk with a friend about adoption.  The conversation was monumental for me.  I have talked with plenty of others about adoption, but that was BEFORE we brought Sparkles home.  I have talked to others about “the” process, the wait, different adoption options,and  adoption finances. 

However, it is so different now.  Why?  Well, because we have been through “the fire” and have come out the other side.

When we were first home, I was not in a place to encourage others.  I lead an adoption ministry at my church and quite frankly I was continuing to “lead” it to encourage my own self:) 

But now, I am in the place to encourage others again.  When I talk to someone considering adoption, I feel my previous passion rise up within me.  I am now very passionate about  being honest.  Brutally honest.  Yes, there were days that I wished, that we wished, we never would have adopted.  There were early days that I cried from fear that I screwed up my life forever. 

But is that so different from becoming a biological parent?  Weren’t there days that you wondered what in the world you had done to your life when the little creature beside you wouldn’t sleep? 

For some reason though, as an adoptive parent you feel guilty about these honest thoughts.  Perhaps it’s because you know how much these precious children have already endured.

Regardless, adoption is not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.  But you know what?  Neither is parenthood in general. 

But I can now passionately, honestly and whole heartedly say that it is so worth it.  Adoption is hard, but adoption is amazing. 

And you know what the hardest part of adoption is?  Yourself.  Our adoption stretched me further that I thought imaginable.  God revealed ugly parts of me that I didn’t know existed.    I did learn about how amazing his love is for me.  Unconditional love has a whole new worthiness now.

If you are considering adoption it is not by chance.  It is not a normal thought process.  I don’t mean that in a negative way.  I mean it in a “God is doing something in your life way.”

Push your fears aside.  Fear is NOT from God.  Don’t worry about the money.  I’m serious.  You will be  BLOWN away by His provision.  These children are all His children.  He can will move mountains to bring them to you.

I had no idea that this post would be leading this way (no, I usually don’t have a “plan” when I write:)  So, the only thing I can figure is that someone, somewhere needed to hear those words.  If it’s you, please feel free to email me.  I would love to talk with you more.

That all being said, my conversation last week has really made me want to retell our adoption story.  To be honest, I’ve never told the whole thing in the first place.  So, bear with me  over the next couple of posts as I stroll down memory lane and look at the incredible journey that God invited us to journey with him.

 

Holding leaves

Sometimes I make myself laugh.  I’m quite the Sanguine , but I do enjoy being alone with just me.  Really, I do entertain myself.

So, I was entertaining myself the other day reading over my old blog.  Yes, I had a previous blog.  There was a day when I wrote in non-anonymity.  You know before I had the legions of readers.  insert sharp sarcasm.

I found this post which still makes me laugh out loud.  Hope you enjoy.

Originally posted April 13, 2008:

I wasn't planning on posting today, but the conversation I had with The Ringleader on the way home from church was just too postworthy to avoid.

He was in a very good and chatty mood. He explained that they learned how people have different skin colors and that some people make fun of them for that. This was an amazing insight as my son can NEVER remember what they learned in church or in school. So knowing that he learned and retained something was encouraging. Plus, it opened up great discussion regarding our adoption.

Somehow the conversation turned (and I have no idea how it got to this point), but the Ringleader started to talk about Adam and Eve.

He said, "you know they were naked.  They didn't have any clothes so they had to have leaves. Adam had something tied around him. Eve did too and then she had to hold something because she had those...what are they called?  You have them too?  I cant' remember what they are called?"

I nervously said, "breasts?"

"Yes" he said. "She had breasts, so she had to hold leaves over her. So Adam had to do everything. He had to do all of the cooking and cleaning and everything because Eve had to hold her leaves."

"Hmm." I said "Since I'm a girl like Eve, maybe I shouldn't do anything. Maybe Daddy and you should do everything!"

"No Mommy!  You don't have leaves!  You have clothes!  God made us all different like that .  Some people He gave clothes and others He gave leaves.  That's just how He made us."

Ringleader, you are right. That is just how He made us. However, it sure would be nice to sit around and just hold leaves every once and awhile.

Introducing Sparkles…

You know by now that each member of my flock has a blog name.  I truly hope that no one really thinks that I would name a child Sha Sha or Lil’ Rocker.  Each person was given their cyber endearment because of an aspect of their personality  or the unique person that they are.  

Yao Yao was given her name before we ever met her.  It is actually her real Chinese nickname.  We still do call her Yao Yao sometimes and Lil’ Rocker will only call her Yan Yao (her full Chinese name).  I knew that one day I would be able to change her cyber name to something that really represented the special person she was created to be.  I didn’t dwell on the name change.  I figured it would just “come” to me one day.

And sure enough it did. 

Recently, I was describing Yao Yao to someone and I said, “she is just so happy.  She just sparkles with life.”

And that is when it “hit me”. 

Sparkles.

That one word fully encompasses the essence of her personality. 

She is very dramatic especially with her facial expressions.  She loves to sing.  She loves to dance.  She loves to talk .  She loves to laugh.  She is charismatic.  She is friendly.

She simply… just sparkles.

The announcement

I never meant to instigate such a flurry of curious excitement.  Of course, a balanced person would have left the reader both curious and peaceful.  But in my newly embraced unbalanced state, I’ve managed to leave some only curious.

So here is the official announcement: “There is no new baby flamingo in the flock”.

Some of you who were previously balanced, are now unbalanced with confusion. 

“What is she talking about?”

Well, I’ve been emailed and commented and talked to about my desire to create imbalance with my flock.  And I am sad that I have created unneeded excitement in your lives.

It did force me to think about the answer to the question, “are you having another one?”

You may be suprised that I am not responding an emphatic “no”. 

You may or may not remember the Rockstar Nurse’s emphatic, firm , and authoritative “no” when we were in China and 1st home.  And trust me…it was quite firm.

And that has not changed.  Well, not really. 

It does suprise me that we have had the conversation…”should we adopt again?”

And YOU may be more suprised that I am not the one that has always initiated these conversations.

It did take 5 months for such mind boggling conversations to take place, but they did happen.

And the result?

Well, I have no idea.

In a lot of ways, I feel done.  And usually about 6 days of the week or 12 hours of the day (the kids sleep for 12:) my hubby is done:)

BUUUUT, that does not end our conversations.

There are a couple reasons we think we should adopt again.  There are many, many MORE reasons why we don’t want to adopt again.

BUUUUT, that still doesn’t end our conversations.

Without a doubt we were called to adopt our Yao Yao.  And that calling created a passion and burden within me that although dampered at times, has never extinguished within me. 

I know I should unsubscribe to the waiting children lists that arrive in my email daily. 

But something stops me from doing so. 

Perhaps, it is because my own beautiful daughter was one of those children.

She was a waiting child.  A fact that floors me to this day.  She is healthy.  She has no special needs.  She is loving.  She is happy.   She is smart.  She is just an incredible little girl.

And that is why I don’t know if I will ever allow the door to be firmly closed and locked.  With all that I have come to believe and all that HE has opened my eyes to over the past 3 years, it would be an act of disobedience for me to say , “no”.  “Never again”.

And so, we are not moving forward.  But I am still praying.  And maybe that is all that I am supposed to do.  Pray for the precious little faces I see each day that are in need of families.   

Unbalanced

and so tonight I had an inspirational conversation regarding my blogging.  actually, it was a conversation with my hubby.  I mentioned something about my blog to him and he said…

“you are still doing that aren’t you?” 

well.  hmm ummm.

“yes.  but I haven’t posted in 2 weeks.  “

“Why?” he asked

“Well, time.  I just haven’t had the time.”

“Well, what are you doing?  Why can’t you take the time to blog once a week?”

Of course I turned to look around the room to validate that he was indeed talking to me and not some other blogging mama.  But no, it was me:)

And he in no way meant it condescending….he knows my life is super busy…but he was lovingly and confrontingly encouraging me to make it a priority again. So here I sit tonight.

But it did bring to light this whole subject of “balance” again.

I feel like I am constantly searching for it. 

But I did come to realize recently that I am way more balanced than I give myself credit for.

For example,

I always have as many dirty dishes as clean dishes. 

I always have the same amount of unfolded laundry as folded.

I always have the same number of unedited photos as edited.

I  have the same quantity of dust dinosaurs bunnies as children.

So indeed I have found the balance that I have been striving towards.  I guess it just looks different than I imagined. 

Looking at my balanced list, I am thinking that I really just need to strive for becoming unbalanced.  To have more clean dishes than dirty would be unbalanced, but desirable. 

And kids.  I always dreamed about having a “balanced” number of kiddos.  4 kiddos seemed perfectly balanced.  But holy cow folks…4 kiddos is throwing me.  2 threw me, BUT 1 and 3 seemed pretty easy.  So it’s the even numbers…the balanced numbers that have overwhelmed me. 

I discussed this theory with my husband that perhaps 5 kids would be easier than 4.  It’s that whole unbalanced thing. 

So who would’ve thought?  Those that claim to have found the “perfect balance” are not as en viable as you thought.

I’m thinking that becoming unbalanced is my new goal.

 

6 months today we met….

6 months ago today we met this little girl.

  

I don’t know whose heart broke more that day….ours or hers.

She screamed.

We questioned. were we really doing the right thing?

She cried.

We cried. 

But somehow the tears stopped.  for then.

And somehow we made it 6 months together.

And somehow I’ve fallen in love.

   

6 months. 

            It feels like a lifetime of getting to know someone. 

                    Yet, I’ve just begun to unwrap the gift of my daughter.

I love you Yao Yao. I really do.

The Birthday cake-part 2

I tend to second guess my self “after the fact” quite a lot. You know….like when you are driving home from a party and you think of everything that you said and wish you wouldn’t have. Or second guessing if a “confronting approach” to someone was a little too confronting. And of course, pondering if fellow bloggers really “got” my point.

I will admit, there was a small amount of pondering before publishing “The Birthday” cake post….was it too over the edge? Was this “family friendly” blog suddenly categorized more as a “Hollywood friendly” blog?

But I hit publish anyway.

And now I know that I should never have second guessed myself. The readers I felt “protective of” are suddenly…asking and begging for more deplorable photos. Never mind that the number 8 is now burned inflammatorily into the brains of everyone.

I decided though that I will not show the infamous rocketship first. That is not fair. I need to validate myself positively in someway. And the sad thing is that no one really cares about a success.

So here is one of my kinda cute creations.

Ok. Who am I kidding? This is it. This is the best I can do when it comes to cakes.

But I know no one cares about cute little ponies. Especially, since as far as I know it does not represent any forbidden body part.

So now I humbly show you the rocketship cake.

Now, before you say, “Flamingo…that’s not that bad”. You must realize that the photo was shot after the “rearranging” took place.

In the photo you can see the smears of icing. That is where the “blasters” used to be. Originally the “blasters” were positioned directly under the “main rocket”.

That is what the R.N. saw and when he gasped. And after he moved them, I decided to add the chocolate chips. Which now that I ‘m looking at it, I’m thinking that really didn’t help anything. I’m thinking it might even reemphasize things.

So perhaps I could do coming of age parties or something. I don’t know. Regardless, my kids always love their cakes.

And they do taste good. So I guess that is all that matters.